1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,160
This programme contains some
strong language and adult humour

2
00:00:05,160 --> 00:00:07,880

and you gave without taking

3
00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:10,080


4
00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:12,520


5
00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:17,600

and stopped me from shaking

6
00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:19,640


7
00:00:19,640 --> 00:00:21,880


8
00:00:23,600 --> 00:00:26,160
Bad news, Mandy,
that's the last of the Minty Pig.

9
00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:28,720
Can't you get some more?
I only ever have Minty Pig.

10
00:00:28,720 --> 00:00:30,120
They don't make it any more.

11
00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:31,600
It comes from Russia.

12
00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:33,720
It's all part of the sanctions.

13
00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:37,240
Damn you, Putin! Damn you to hell!

14
00:00:37,240 --> 00:00:39,720
Also, they discovered
it's got asbestos in it.

15
00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:42,160
I always wondered why I threw up
if I licked my fingers.

16
00:00:42,160 --> 00:00:44,520
- What are you doing this evening,
Mandy?
- Nothing much.

17
00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:47,120
I'll probably just stay in
and watch some TV with my nan.

18
00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:49,000
What? Your nan?

19
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:52,360
Yeah, she likes watching those old
films without any sex or violence

20
00:00:52,360 --> 00:00:54,600
or a message or
social justice in them.

21
00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:58,000
I don't mean to be rude, Mandy, but,
your grandmother is still alive?

22
00:00:58,000 --> 00:00:59,160
Yeah, very much so.

23
00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:01,080
- You never mentioned her before.
- Have I not?

24
00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:03,160
- How old is she?
- 110.

25
00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:05,640
110! You cannot be serious.

26
00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:07,960
Why isn't it on Granada Reports?

27
00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:09,440
We haven't got proof.

28
00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:11,160
It needs to be
independently verified

29
00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:13,320
and her birth certificate
was destroyed in a fire.

30
00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:15,360
- Where does she live?
- Well, this is the thing.

31
00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:17,600
Her boyfriend threw her out
so she's living in my attic.

32
00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:19,400
- How long's she been with you?
- Too long.

33
00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:21,560
I need to talk to her
about it tonight, actually.

34
00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:23,040
It's about time she moved out.

35
00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:24,840
But why is she in the loft?

36
00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:26,360
Nowhere else for her to go.

37
00:01:26,360 --> 00:01:29,600
My small back bedroom's full
of my Danbury Mint collectables.

38
00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:31,400
Can I come home with you
and meet her?

39
00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:32,960
If you like.

40
00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:47,520
Hey, Nan? We've got visitors.

41
00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:55,400
SHE FARTS

42
00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:56,800
Do you want a brew, Nan?

43
00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:58,120
Aye, alreet.

44
00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:03,880
SHE FARTS

45
00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:08,240
- You go through, Lola.
- Are you sure?

46
00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:09,920
Yeah, go on, I'll do this.

47
00:02:09,920 --> 00:02:12,200
I cannot wait to meet this lady.

48
00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:16,280
- Pleased to meet you.
- Who are you?

49
00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:19,280
Oh, that's my friend, Lola,
she works at the local beauty salon.

50
00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:20,720
She does me nails.

51
00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:22,560
Can you do owt with these?

52
00:02:25,320 --> 00:02:30,720
Um, yes, they just need
a tiny trim and a buff.

53
00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:33,720
Mandy tells me
you are 110 years old?

54
00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:37,160
109 actually, but we'd need it
independently verified

55
00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:38,960
if I'm to get on Granada Reports.

56
00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:40,600
Yes, so I believe.

57
00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:43,240
So, what is your secret
to such a long life?

58
00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:46,360
Cod liver oil.

59
00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:47,680
Oh, I must get some.

60
00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:49,360
I do the odd marathon and all.

61
00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:51,960
What? You run marathons?

62
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:54,200
Yeah, she's beaten
her time every year.

63
00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:56,360
She's got another coming up,
haven't you, Nan?

64
00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:57,560
Aye, yeah, in a month.

65
00:02:57,560 --> 00:02:59,320
I'd better start training.

66
00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:00,720
You haven't been training?

67
00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:03,640
No, but it won't take me long
to get match fit.

68
00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:07,080
No, once she gets started, she makes
Captain Tom look bone idle.

69
00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:10,440
Don't they get someone royal
to hand out the medals?

70
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:12,360
Nan's anti-royal.

71
00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:15,280
I wouldn't piss on that family
if they were on fire.

72
00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:17,720
She won't even eat
Duchy original biscuits.

73
00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:21,320
If someone gave me a Duchy biscuit,
I'd smash it into the carpet

74
00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:22,880
then I'd spit on it.

75
00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:24,560
Nazi bastards.

76
00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:27,240
All right, Nan,
don't go getting all upset.

77
00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:29,920
Now, Mandy, you know you haven't
given me any grandkids...

78
00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:31,000
Oh, not this again.

79
00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:32,600
I've told you, Nan,
I don't want kids.

80
00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:34,480
Are your eggs rotten?

81
00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:36,000
There's nothing wrong with my eggs!

82
00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:37,520
Well, anyway,

83
00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:39,880
I had my eggs frozen years ago.

84
00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:42,000
I were one of the first
to get it done

85
00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:44,240
because I thought I might want
more kids in the future.

86
00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:45,640
Oh, don't be ridiculous,

87
00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:48,120
it'd be like trying to fertilise
an egg in a Hoover bag.

88
00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:49,640
Then I thought about adopting.

89
00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:51,520
Don't talk wet,
they wouldn't let you have a pug,

90
00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:53,280
they're not going to let you
have a nipper.

91
00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:54,560
Can you believe it?

92
00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:56,880
If you want to adopt a baby,
nobody bats an eyelid.

93
00:03:56,880 --> 00:03:59,080
If you want a pug, you've got
to have two gay lads come round

94
00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:00,720
and check your fencing's secure.

95
00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:03,640
Anyway, I got an email
the other week, saying

96
00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:05,880
they'd successfully fertilised
one of my eggs.

97
00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:08,080
You got an email?
Is that how it works?

98
00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:09,280
Where did you go to do all this?

99
00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:10,480
I went on the dark web.

100
00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:12,920
- The dark web?!
- On me Tesco Mobile.

101
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:14,960
I've got unlimited data.

102
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:17,760
And I get Clubcard points.

103
00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:18,960
Who's the father?

104
00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:20,640
I don't know.

105
00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:23,720
The fertility clinic's in Albania.

106
00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:26,960
I think they just have big vats
of jizz from all over.

107
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:30,240
I did specify human sperm
on the form.

108
00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:31,600
At least I think I did.

109
00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:33,920
Don't you think
you're a bit old to have a baby?

110
00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:36,360
- It's my right to have a baby.
- Mm-hm.

111
00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:39,280
I'll be the oldest mum
in the country.

112
00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:41,560
Maybe then they'll have me
on Granada Reports.

113
00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:42,720
That'll learn 'em.

114
00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:44,560
Who will give birth
to this child?

115
00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:47,680
- A woman called Shed'evil
gave birth to it last week.
- It?

116
00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:51,680
They're delivering it to me
tomorrow between 3.23 and 4.23.

117
00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:52,840
Who are?

118
00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:54,080
DPD. I got a text.

119
00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:55,360
Fuck me!

120
00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:57,320
You can't live here with a baby,
there's no room.

121
00:04:57,320 --> 00:05:00,320
I can't see why I can't
live on a barge, like Lovejoy.

122
00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:01,680
We've been over this.

123
00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:04,560
If I lived on a barge,
I'd be happy as a pig in shit.

124
00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:06,320
I can't afford a barge, Nan!

125
00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:08,840
Doesn't the newsagent
have a barge he is selling?

126
00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:11,400
- Does he?
- I'm sure I saw
an advert in his window

127
00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:13,920
saying he's selling
a boat or something.

128
00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:15,960
Oh, I'll go and see him.

129
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:17,480
Why's it so cheap?

130
00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:22,000
I want to make some space so we can
use the peloton exercise bike.

131
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:23,360
Has it got any holes in it?

132
00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:24,600
No, I don't think so.

133
00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:26,640
- Have you ever been out in it?
- No.

134
00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:29,000
How come you've got a boat
but you've never been out in it?

135
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:31,920
It was in the garage
when we bought the house.

136
00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:35,720
Now we just use it to store
toilet rolls in.

137
00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:38,680
What if I go out in it and
discover it's got a hole in it?

138
00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:41,400
Fixing a hole in a boat
is not difficult.

139
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:43,480
Is it not?

140
00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:46,200
Why do you want to buy
a boat anyway?

141
00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:48,680
My nan wants to live on a barge
but I can't afford it.

142
00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:51,200
Yeah, this would be perfect for you.

143
00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:53,080
Right, yeah, I'll take it.

144
00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:56,480
This ain't a barge!

145
00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:57,960
It's better than a barge.

146
00:05:57,960 --> 00:05:59,480
It's not even on a canal.

147
00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:01,120
It's too pokey.

148
00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:02,600
What do you think, Lola?

149
00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:05,040
Well, why don't you put
a big mirror on that wall?

150
00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:06,520
It'll really open the place up.

151
00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:08,840
No! No, it's a no from me.

152
00:06:08,840 --> 00:06:12,120
I'll just stay in your attic, Mandy,
until I find something better.

153
00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:13,360
PHONE ALERT

154
00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:16,360
It's three stops away.

155
00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:18,240
Is it a boy or a girl?

156
00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:19,520
They didn't say.

157
00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:20,680
And you didn't think to ask?

158
00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:22,680
Well, as long as it's healthy.

159
00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:24,440
- Have you thought of any names?
- Yes.

160
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:28,800
DOORBELL RINGS

161
00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:30,160
It's here!

162
00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:52,040
Honestly, the amount of packaging
you get these days.

163
00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:57,600
- Let's see.
- I am so excited.

164
00:06:57,600 --> 00:07:00,040
- Oh, fuck me!
- What? What is it?

165
00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:02,840
It's one of them ones
that looks like an old man.

166
00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:04,360
No!

167
00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:06,360
Every baby is beautiful
in its own way.

168
00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:07,600
Let me see.

169
00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:11,560
Oh! Jesus Christ! What is it?

170
00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:13,960
What am I going to do with it?

171
00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:21,120
I'll tell you what we're gonna do
with it.

172
00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:24,680
We're going to throw it the best
damn baby shower you've ever seen.

173
00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:26,200
Mandy is right.

174
00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:28,120
So what if it looks like a goblin?

175
00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:30,200
Hopefully it will grow into
its face.

176
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:33,760
We need to teach this baby
it can be anything it wants to be.

177
00:07:33,760 --> 00:07:34,960
Goblin or not.

178
00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:38,040
Oh, he's crying.

179
00:07:40,840 --> 00:07:43,440
He wants feeding.

180
00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:45,560
Here, I'll do the honours.

181
00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:47,400
Now don't bite.

182
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:52,880
Hey, Mandy, you couldn't babysit
for me tonight, could you?

183
00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:54,640
You've only had it five minutes!

184
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:58,360
I know, but it's bingo tonight
and it's a super rollover.

185
00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:00,200
Top prize is an air fryer.

186
00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:02,080
An air fryer?
What's the point of an air fryer?

187
00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:03,400
Who wants fried air?

188
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:06,760
Go on, love, it'll be a chance
for you to bond with it.

189
00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:09,200
All right. I suppose so.

190
00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:18,400
Right, come on.

191
00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:20,640
Let's see what's on
the tragic lantern.

192
00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:22,600
Maybe one day,
we'll go on Gogglebox together.

193
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:24,720
LOW GROWLING

194
00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:26,520
Oh, you little shit!

195
00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:15,320
MENACING MUSIC

196
00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:19,480
Ah!

197
00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:38,480
Ah!

198
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:41,600
Oh! Get off!

199
00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:10,080
MENACING MUSIC CONTINUES

200
00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:29,120
GRUNTING

201
00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:33,200
Oh!

202
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:49,600
Ah!

203
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:53,240
Oh, oh!

204
00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:08,120
GROWLING

205
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:16,080
Ah!

206
00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:20,120
Ah!

207
00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:24,040
Oh!

208
00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:27,120
MENACING MUSIC

209
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:29,760
Ahhhh!

210
00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:34,040
Oh, God, help!

211
00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:35,520
Hey, Mandy, I'm back!

212
00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:37,880
I won that air fryer!

213
00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:40,120
Nan, get it off me!

214
00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:41,280
He's trying to kill me!

215
00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:45,920
Get off her, you little bastard!

216
00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:51,040
BABY GRUNTS AND GROWLS

217
00:11:56,480 --> 00:11:59,200
Bingo!
Give it 20 minutes on full power.

218
00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:02,360
Nan, you should never buy
anything on the dark web.

219
00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:04,560
Told you the air frier
would come in handy.

220
00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:07,640

yeah, yeah, yeah

221
00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:10,760


222
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:13,920

yeah, yeah, yeah

223
00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:16,960


224
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:20,360

you're always runnin' around

225
00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:22,600


226
00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:26,520

started taming you down

227
00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:28,920


228
00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:30,760
-
- There'll be

229
00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:35,440

your roving days are through...